Standing up for yourself is not disrespectful, staying quiet is.

Assertiveness has been a debatable quality for some time, depending on your gender and the side you are opposing, you can either be deemed a hero or a villain. In simple terms, being assertive is self-assurance and open-mindedness towards others’ perspectives. It's a great quality to adopt and although it can be twisted to be used against you, the choice of accepting that attack is always within your hands.

Those who lack assertiveness can easily fall under the “people pleasers” category and this lack does stem from childhood and belief systems that we grow up around early on in life. Do you often find yourself putting other people’s needs first and ignoring yours? Is it intimidating to speak up on a concern you have? What personal emotions do you feel when thinking about authority figures? If the answers to these questions lean towards suppression and negativity, then you need to explore the part of you that fears speaking up and spend some time to actually define your values and what you believe in. A part of being assertive is actually knowing what you stand up for and what you are willing to tolerate or let go of. You can’t stand up for yourself if you don’t know who you are.

The idea of speaking up can stir a bunch of negative emotions and the two most common ones are fear and guilt. As mentioned in a previous post, fear of certain situations is created from a specific incident that occurred in the past and stayed within us. It is a protective mechanism that our bodies adopt in order to shield us from any “possible threat”. Guilt on the other hand comes from the idea of prioritizing your needs and boundaries, the development of this pattern also stems from childhood just like pretty much everything else, and most likely you also end up attracting people who disregard what you have to say and gaslight you into thinking you are in the wrong

Becoming assertive is not a quality that must be practiced in order to break negative attachments in your life and establish clear boundaries. Being open and honest is the first essential step in communicating with the other side, being vague and sugar coating what you have to say will do more harm than good. Not only will it make the process more painful and stressful for you but misunderstandings will arise and the message you send across will be received differently.

Ask for what you really want. Not what the other person thinks is best and not what you don’t really believe in. Of course, negotiations and finding a middle ground is part of the process but when it comes to boundaries and what you can or can’t tolerate then you need to stand your grounds. This can be a tricky step because it requires you to pinpoint exactly what you want and it needs to align with what you believe in. Depending on whom you are talking to, they might try to guilt-trip you into changing your wants or they might even attack you for speaking up. This is where the real challenge comes up as you really need to see people’s actions and words being a reflection of themselves. You are not the main reason for their intense emotion or behavior, you are simply a trigger and that means it has nothing to do with you.

Whatever the outcome may be and whatever you choose to do, taking responsibility is a key element after the conversation is over. This essentially means that whether things worked out in your favor or not, you need to acknowledge that your emotions towards the situations are yours. You are in full power over them and you get to decide the perspective you want to see it in. Give yourself the credit you deserve for doing this and actually speaking up, again no matter how you did it and the results, in the end, you still went ahead and face your fears. That is something to be proud of.

Here are some simple techniques that you can do as a daily practice to change your perspective on being assertive and actually embody that personality completely : 

 

• Repeat positive affirmations such as “I am confident and I value myself”
• Journal out any fears or negative emotions that occur within you when you think about standing up for yourself or intense situations, explore their root cause, and try to understand how it shaped you as the person you are today
• Physically practice being assertive by standing tall, a straight back, and direct eye contact
• Practice mirror talk and act like the most confident and assertive person you know, how would they speak, what would their tone look like and how would they be using their body?

 

You only get to experience the life you are living once, don’t spend it in the shadows of other people.

 

Start the change now.

Written By: Zaina Armoush